Lets Be Honest.

Lets be honest,

I am not doing as well as I wish I was.
Losing my dad was like losing half my heart.
Losing my dad was like losing my reasons to keep going.
I relived his death last night in a dream,
and I woke up crying, I woke up missing him so much.

Lets be honest,

I will always feel like I was a disappointment to him
He didn’t get the chance to see me grow into a decent human being
I was a brat, I was selfish, I wasn’t appreciative of what I had
I never excelled in anything. I never made him proud.
When all my friends and classmates would win awards,
I would be sitting in my seat.
I only made him worry with my anxiety,
and my struggle to keep up with life.

Lets be honest,

I still don’t know if he knew how much I loved him
Or if he thought I hated him, like he said to me on a few occasions
“Do you hate me that much?” I remember those words too clearly now
I never hated him for a second of my life, but maybe I really acted like I did
Maybe he died without knowing how important he is to me.
Maybe he died sad. Maybe he died feeling alone.

Lets be honest,

The pain of never saying “I’m Sorry, I love you” is killing me everyday
I have never felt so alone in my life
With my friends half a world away,
and no shoulders to lean on apart from family
I feel trapped. I feel like I’m choking
Because you can’t lean on the shoulders of family who
are grieving just as much as you are.
I’m desperate. I’m desperate for someone to tell me simple things
like “Its okay” or “You’ll be alright”
Or a tight hug, to make me feel like I can still go on.

Lets be honest,

I am in the process of healing, but I am not healed.
And I will miss him for the rest of my life
And I will always remember my last words of anger to him
And I don’t know if, despite what I write, I can ever forgive myself
for what I did, what I said, what I could’ve done.

Dear Daddy,
I’m so sorry.
I love you so much.
Thank you for loving me.

  2 comments for “Lets Be Honest.

  1. keiko
    2014年12月16日 at 12:03 AM

    Sakura
    I

    I am struck with beauty of your writing. let’s be honest, I see your courage, I see your spirit .

    keep on going

  2. Jiro
    2014年12月24日 at 3:33 AM

    Hi Sakura san,

    I hear you.
    Sorry about your dad.

    I can only say it will be alright.
    I have been there before and I know what I am talking about. You will be just fine.

    Right now let your emotion take it’s own course. It is perfectly normal as you expressed in your blog.

    Everything will fall in the right place at the right time. You don’t need to believe what I wrote here. Just be you…

    Sincerely

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