I’ve become so terrified of my weight
I began to have modelling opportunities, and I grabbed onto every job I could get to prove something.
To myself, that the girl who absolutely hated her looks, her whole life, the girl with zero self esteem and everything average is being seen, doing photoshoots for magazines, and can be finally be seen instead of being the girl everyone looked past.
There was a part of me that wanted to prove to others that I can achieve something to all those who made me believe I couldn’t. To everyone who put me down for my looks and weight since the 5th grade, I wanted to go shout at them, throw it at them. “I can do it. You made me believe I couldn’t, but I can and I am.”
You would think doing photoshoots and having meetings with angencies would be enough to make mtself realize that I dont have to be the average girl, I dont have to be the girl in the back, always unseen. But you always, always want to be better. Thats unavoidable, we strive to do our very best at any job.
Unfortunately in this world of the entertainment industry, being better has so much to do with looking good. Your clothes must be stylish, have clear skin, your hair just right. And be skinny. Be skinny. Be skinny. Be skinny.
No, don’t eat the full bowl of rice, eat a bite. No, dont order desert. Hungry? Too bad. You stop enjoying food completely because the only thing you think while eating something that isn’t strictly vegetables or fruits is “If I eat this, they might not want me anymore. If I eat this, Ill have less work. If I eat this, Ill hate myself all over again.
Even if you normally eat healthy and stay fit, when you have the occasional heavier foods my mind panics, my heart pounds. It truly feels like the end of the world, my thoughts bombarded with loud thoughts, “No one is going to want me now, they’ll know, they’ll know that I hate something unhealthy. They can just see the fat from one meal.”
Ridiculous, so ridiculous. I won’t lie.
I love photoshoots. I love getting dressed up, I love getting my hair and makeup done. I have fun, truly. But the problem begins when this is all you see. When you begin to be desperate enough to do whatever it takes to have that one good photoshoot, proof to myself and to the world that I’m good enough.

I have a dream in life, a goal in life. I want to be a therapist. I want to make a difference in someone’s life, someone struggling, something hurting. I want them to know that they have support, that they dont have to deal with whatever they have going on alone. There are people who may be a stranger, but care enough to help them as much they can. That is who i want to be someday. My long term goal is not to be on some magazine or be in some commercial. Im scared of going further down this path of self analyzing and hate. In order to help someone love themselves, I think its important to know how to love yourself first, and I dont have the first clue. I cant even look in the mirror without feeling anxious and unhappy. I dont want to be that person, that person is terrifying and cruel because all the hate I have is so strongly aimed at myself.